This is Part 2 of this post, Part 1 can be found here.
KEY 7: Be courageous.
One of the big reasons we don’t tackle relationship difficulties is that we are afraid. We are afraid of conflict, we are afraid of getting hurt, we are afraid of doing it wrong, etc. In order to combat this ask yourself if you are afraid. Then ask yourself if the fear is really as big as you think. Then ask yourself if that fear should really stop you from tackling a difficulty. Is it worth some discomfort to improve a relationship?
The antidote to fear is faith. Trust God to help you and to help you learn. Trust the advice you have gathered. Trust the fact that your heart is in the right place and if you express true care then nearly everyone will respond reasonably.
KEY 8: Grow your communication skills.
When someone is talking to you about a sensitive topic what skills do you appreciate when they communicate? Use those same skills when you talk to someone. An important example of this is communicating our heart. So often conversations don’t go well because we haven’t actually communicated our heart. Somehow let them know what your heart for them is. Let them know you care even if you disagree. Let them know you want a good relationship with them. And let us learn to be diplomatic about explaining our disagreements.
KEY 9: “ACE” your challenging conversations.
As mentioned in the earlier post that is Part 1 of this topic, show that you are not just being selfish by carefully listening to them. Then prove that you are truly listening by the way you respond. Try to use the “ACE” system of responding: Agree, Complement, Empathize. Agree with whatever is valid in what they say, “I agree that we need a better system for that.” Complement them for good intentions, “I appreciate that you have spent time trying to figure out a solution.” Empathize (mentioned in Part 1), “I know this is a difficult problem.”
When the time comes to express your thoughts on the matter remember to ask questions as much as possible. This tells the listener that you are interested in their thoughts, and that you trust them at least a little to be reasonable. It also keeps them from being defensive about your statements.
KEY 10: Let go of control and outcome.
One of the biggest problems in relationships is trying to control outcomes when we don’t really need to. For example, in conversations we try to make sure that they agree with us or that the conversation ends with the result we want. Or we try to control their actions and get stressed or angry when we can’t.
Thus, it is important to ask yourself if you really do need to control the outcome. Usually you don’t and you can just present your thoughts or feelings and let them decide. The impact of their disagreement is usually not that serious; sometimes it is just a matter of a bruised ego. You don’t have to get angry.
Maybe they will oppose you at first but after thinking about your words they will agree with you. Or maybe they will continue to disagree and they will emotionally detach for awhile. But you don’t have to let that create great fear; we have to be willing to feel separated for awhile. Otherwise, we will always be trying to make sure we never do anything that might make us feel separated, which keeps us from honest relationships.
KEY 11: Forgive.
Forgiveness is essential for healthy relationships. Relationships become weaker and weaker as each one holds more grudges or hard feelings against the other. And sometimes we think we have forgiven when we really haven’t. Remember that the bigger the offense the more time you need to spend on forgiveness. For a guide to thorough and deep forgiveness see our page on GUIDE TO HEALING PAST HURTS .
Here are some basic steps of forgiveness:
- Remember:
- what they did,
- how it hurt you,
- all your emotions,
- how it affected you especially throughout your life,
- what your expectations and desires were of them, and how they broke them
- Name each thing they did as sin (i.e. destructive). This can be hard but remember you are not judging them, you are just being honest about what they did. Also, sometimes we are not sure if they really did the offense we think they did, but we are still holding hard feelings toward them: this still needs to be “forgiven”.
- Forgive them from the heart. You will probably want to wait awhile for this to come. Remember that we want others to forgive us for our wrongs, so we need to forgive them. Remember that in Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus said if you do not forgive the sins of others, your Father will not forgive your sins! There are many other scriptures that tell us to forgive.
- Ask forgiveness from them for any way you have hurt them because of your actions and unforgiveness. This can be hard too but it is very healing for a relationship.
KEY 12: Give Safety and Value.
The strongest human desires are the desires for safety and value. People want to be physically and emotionally safe, and they want others to value them. Even if a person knows their emotions are off base they still want to know that they are valued in spite of what they are feeling. David expressed all his fears and struggles to God in the Psalms knowing his emotions weren’t reflecting complete faith, but there is no hint that God valued David less.
Likewise, we need to present an atmosphere of safety and value in our relationships. First, put it in your heart that you are a safe place for the other and that you value them, regardless of their faults. Just putting it in your heart will change the atmosphere you create, even if you don’t realize it. Then, start using words that communicate those two ideas. This will move their heart to open up and you can start connecting at a deeper level.
